Today’s Mantra

“You have a three day weekend, you have a three day weekend, you have a three day weekend!!!”

Just keep repeating that over and over, because I am not having a good day. Driver’s are making me want to scream.

2 breakdowns and one driver answered to say he’d let me know when he was done with his own route…and he’s sick, and has been since last week and still isn’t feeling good, and so I feel really bad about even asking him. He’s off the hook we sent a new driver to help the one guy and the other guy…I told him I couldn’t get the driver he asked me to reach and he wasn’t surprised…and really neither was I because that guy is an ass!

Anyway, I am so over this day!

Been a little while…

So a bunch of crap going on with my daughter still.

Found out my Pearl Piggy, my ACD, is deaf. She is my little love! We are going to start working with hand signals to train her. We kinda thought she just didn’t inherit the Heeler intelligence because she is a mix. And I told some people that and that we thought that because after 2 years she didn’t know her name still. They suggested she might be deaf. That thought had never even crossed our minds, because she reacts to things. But we discovered after watching her, she reacts when she sees Autzen, our other dog react, or because she can feel a vibration, such as the vibration when one of our cars pulls up in the driveway. so the vet did some tests yesterday and said her ears flinched but there was no other reaction so he thinks she can hear some frequency but most likely is nearly completely deaf. Someone else told me she needs to be BAER tested, but that really only determines just HOW deaf she is…we already know she is deaf…and it makes so much sense now why she has been so hard to train. I feel the BAER test would just be a waste of money. I don’t really care HOW deaf she is, I just know she is deaf.

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And I got my Pearl Jam tattoo completed. I added Stickman to my three crooked hearts. ❤

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Hell week…

So this has been a week from hell. I had to miss two days of work because my daughter ran away. I won’t be posting any details, but FUCK…it’s just beyond what my husband and I can do….there is no longer anything we can do. She doesn’t WANT or THINK she needs help. While she was gone, she reached out to her mother. Her mom called my hubs and got the lowdown, she is completely on our side. She understands and believes that there is nothing anything of us can do to keep her safe because she willfully takes off and leaves in the middle of the night and meets up with random strangers from snapchat and whisper. Grown men at that. She lies and says she’s 18…she’s 15. She doesn’t care that any one of these strangers could leave her dead in a ditch….or think about her safety at all, she just want sex…all the time. She has some sort of addiction…and doesn’t care about anyone including herself. The most recent trip to the psychiatric crisis center gave us a huge insight. That counselor thinks she has Borderline Personality Disorder. and it make a lot of sense, previously we have been told it’s Bipolar(Um, nope, I’m bipolar, I can tell she is worse.), depression/anxiety(Sorry wrong again it goes way deeper than that.) PTSD, yes very possibly has this with the BPD because they say I have that too because of the abandonment issues with my dad and other things that happened growing up, and she has all that baggage from being removed from her mom and how she feels abandoned.

So BPD symptoms are as follows:

People with BPD may experience extreme mood swings and can display uncertainty about who they are. As a result, their interests and values can change rapidly.

Other symptoms include

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
  • Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality

This is my daughter to a T! If we can just get someone to understand and agree and give us an exact diagnosis, and figure out the right medication/s for her. We have an appt with a psychiatrist on June 1st/8th/15th to get a diagnosis, but who knows if she is going to believe us or buy what chyann is selling. It’s consistently been that the professionals buy what she’s selling and ignore what we are saying. An ongoing battle for 3 years and her actions just keep escalating to bigger and worse things.

I made her clean her room today. Because I told her she broke her word, so she doesn’t get to just have her room whatever way she wants anymore. And that I would spot check it…it took her 11 hours to clean it. I cleaned the ENTIRE house in 5 hours.

She set out to make me angry today and I let her win…I got angry over something she did…she threw away a very special gift I had bought for her when she was 8, when her dad and I were still just seeing each other. It was a Cabbage Patch. I had several growing up and loved them to death…I still have them. So I felt it was special to give her one and hoped she would cherish it forever. But today I found it in the trash after I walked the dogs and went to throw the dog poop away, and I couldn’t salvage it because the  trash is full of dirty kitty litter. It hurt me that she would do that. and in my hurt I got angry and I said something I shouldn’t have. When I went down to walk the dogs again I apologized for what I said and said I shouldn’t have said that and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told her I love her.

I am just so tired and we don’t know how to help a kid who doesn’t WANT or THINK she needs it and she so desperately does. No one listens to us, so we get no where. Her bio mom is now aware of everything going on and THANKFULLY is on our side with doing what we need to to get her treatment, that’s a relief.

~*~

And now I am just upset in general and really feeling the whole left in my heart when I lost my best friend Sherry. She was like a second mom to me and she was really good with advice for handling Chyann, and I could really use her right now. I miss her so much. I think I need to take a trip to Trillium Lake and visit her.(Her ashes were spread there by her daughter).

I miss my Poppy too, and my Papa…I wish I could visit Poppy’s grave but he’s buried in Texas. I am thankful my grandma bought tiny urns for all of us and gave us each a a little bit of Papa. It means a lot.

I should not be listening to this song, because it just makes me cry…I tired to find my happy place with PJ but I couldn’t…I’m just so far from happy.

 

My heart is broken right now.

More Than I Deserve…

My hubby is definitely more than I deserve, and I love him more than anything. Sometimes I am afraid he’ll wake up one day and realize that he is more than I deserve…and that’s a scary thought. I don’t *really* think that’s going to happen, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind. I didn’t write this, Christian Kane did…and if I recall correctly it was with Steve Carlson…but either way, every time I hear this song…I just think of the fact that, my hubby is more than I deserve and this song is so accurate…

Livin’ with me, it ain’t easy
But I do it every day
Sometimes even now
I wanna run away
But there you are
You’re tryin’ to please me
Yeah you stand your ground
It’s more than I deserve

I’ve taken more than I’ve been givin’
I’ve taken for granted this life I’m livin’
I don’t know why heaven above
Blessed me with your sweet love
Though I never tell you what you’re worth
It’s more than I deserve

I love my husband more than anything, and I hope he does know that. I do tell him, but I hope he knows it’s true and honest and I’m not just saying it because that’s what you do…

~*~*~*~

On another note, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all the moms out there…whether I know you or not, thank you for all that you do for your children.

This is a four generations picture, my mamaw on my left(right of the photo), my mom on my right(left of the photo), myself(center), and my baby girl in front of me. It was a nice day with family. ❤ ❤ ❤

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YouTube made sure I saw this gem…

Apparently I must watch a lot of Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder videos on YouTube…who knew? lol So I got a notification to my phone for this video…I watched it 3 times and laughed so goddamned hard I went into an asthmatic coughing fit…lol

 

Thank you YouTube!!!

I shared it with my daughter because she had to know what was so funny and then when she had stopped laughing her ass off, I said, “My view of Eddie has been shattered, he is just as big of an idiot as your dad!” lol But in reality, I love him to death and my view couldn’t be shattered, I was just introduced to another facet of his silly side.

I had to pass this gem on for everyone else…lol

 

On a side note, I strained the bejesus out of my left thumb and the pain is throbbing all the way up my arm. I was holding a heavy basket of keys at work, and I think that’s what strained it…the way I was holding them. So, of course, I’m dying…lol

Yoü And I

So while the video is completely fucked up and honestly makes no sense with the song…this is my favorite Lady Gaga song…I effing love it!

It’s honestly to me, such an incredible song. And ignore the video, and listen to the lyrics…it’s a pure love song. That’s what I love about it.