Hell week…

So this has been a week from hell. I had to miss two days of work because my daughter ran away. I won’t be posting any details, but FUCK…it’s just beyond what my husband and I can do….there is no longer anything we can do. She doesn’t WANT or THINK she needs help. While she was gone, she reached out to her mother. Her mom called my hubs and got the lowdown, she is completely on our side. She understands and believes that there is nothing anything of us can do to keep her safe because she willfully takes off and leaves in the middle of the night and meets up with random strangers from snapchat and whisper. Grown men at that. She lies and says she’s 18…she’s 15. She doesn’t care that any one of these strangers could leave her dead in a ditch….or think about her safety at all, she just want sex…all the time. She has some sort of addiction…and doesn’t care about anyone including herself. The most recent trip to the psychiatric crisis center gave us a huge insight. That counselor thinks she has Borderline Personality Disorder. and it make a lot of sense, previously we have been told it’s Bipolar(Um, nope, I’m bipolar, I can tell she is worse.), depression/anxiety(Sorry wrong again it goes way deeper than that.) PTSD, yes very possibly has this with the BPD because they say I have that too because of the abandonment issues with my dad and other things that happened growing up, and she has all that baggage from being removed from her mom and how she feels abandoned.

So BPD symptoms are as follows:

People with BPD may experience extreme mood swings and can display uncertainty about who they are. As a result, their interests and values can change rapidly.

Other symptoms include

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
  • Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality

This is my daughter to a T! If we can just get someone to understand and agree and give us an exact diagnosis, and figure out the right medication/s for her. We have an appt with a psychiatrist on June 1st/8th/15th to get a diagnosis, but who knows if she is going to believe us or buy what chyann is selling. It’s consistently been that the professionals buy what she’s selling and ignore what we are saying. An ongoing battle for 3 years and her actions just keep escalating to bigger and worse things.

I made her clean her room today. Because I told her she broke her word, so she doesn’t get to just have her room whatever way she wants anymore. And that I would spot check it…it took her 11 hours to clean it. I cleaned the ENTIRE house in 5 hours.

She set out to make me angry today and I let her win…I got angry over something she did…she threw away a very special gift I had bought for her when she was 8, when her dad and I were still just seeing each other. It was a Cabbage Patch. I had several growing up and loved them to death…I still have them. So I felt it was special to give her one and hoped she would cherish it forever. But today I found it in the trash after I walked the dogs and went to throw the dog poop away, and I couldn’t salvage it because the  trash is full of dirty kitty litter. It hurt me that she would do that. and in my hurt I got angry and I said something I shouldn’t have. When I went down to walk the dogs again I apologized for what I said and said I shouldn’t have said that and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told her I love her.

I am just so tired and we don’t know how to help a kid who doesn’t WANT or THINK she needs it and she so desperately does. No one listens to us, so we get no where. Her bio mom is now aware of everything going on and THANKFULLY is on our side with doing what we need to to get her treatment, that’s a relief.

~*~

And now I am just upset in general and really feeling the whole left in my heart when I lost my best friend Sherry. She was like a second mom to me and she was really good with advice for handling Chyann, and I could really use her right now. I miss her so much. I think I need to take a trip to Trillium Lake and visit her.(Her ashes were spread there by her daughter).

I miss my Poppy too, and my Papa…I wish I could visit Poppy’s grave but he’s buried in Texas. I am thankful my grandma bought tiny urns for all of us and gave us each a a little bit of Papa. It means a lot.

I should not be listening to this song, because it just makes me cry…I tired to find my happy place with PJ but I couldn’t…I’m just so far from happy.

 

My heart is broken right now.

It’s been a crappy day…

I am just irritable AF…everyone and everything is annoying me today and I’m at work and have to keep smiling, though I’ve been on the verge of tears several different times…I have an IUD so I don’t get a period anymore, but I swear I must be PMSing….

My arch-nemesis…IE the one single driver I can’t stand because he yelled at me when I was trying to help him came in a little bit ago. I still won’t talk to him outside of what is required to do my job. But he comes in and puts his stuff on the counter…he pulled out his keys from his pocket and sets them down along with a quarter, a nickel and a penny…and says “Everything but the change.” Really, you asshat, you think I want your dirty change? WTF am I going to do with 31 cents??? He’s such an idiot….he got in trouble for talking to me that way and still has never apologized, I’ve had other drivers snap at me over the phone too, but usually within 5 minutes they call me right back and apologize…but him, it’s been like 6 months or something and still nothing. I’m over it…but really how big of an ego do you have to have that you get written up for something and still can’t admit you were wrong…?

Whatever. I’m just irritated about everything.

 

I can’t wait to go home tonight. I have acupuncture tomorrow and I pretty much plan on spending the weekend doing a whole lot of nothing important but fun stuff instead…like journaling, blogging, reading my Buddhism books and watching Doctor Who…and probably working on my Vedder Fic…yup.

Not too much adulting this weekend! lol

So I have this statement piece that I love, and got at Saturday Market in Portland. It’s a ring made out of the handle of a spoon or fork.
 photo IMG_20170428_155930.jpg
It has cranes on it…so in my new spiritual quest I decided to look up the symbolism of cranes and found a lot of cool info:

“Crane

The crane’s fidelity and mating rituals make it a common symbol for loyalty and successful marriage. Its fabled long life span also makes it a symbol of longevity.

The crane is a popular symbol in Asian culture, and the practice of folding paper cranes for good fortune, healing, happiness, and success was popularized by Sadako Sasaki, a young victim of the radiation from the Hiroshima disaster. Chains of paper cranes, often numbering a thousand in total, are given as offerings at temples and shrines. The crane is also perceived as a bird capable of flying to the very heavens, and is said to have borne spirits of the deceased there upon its back. In ancient China, the crane was used as the symbol of highest-ranking officials.

The longevity of the crane may also have caused it to be associated with a family tree or lineage. Our word pedigree may come from the French word for “foot of the crane,” or pied de grue. Legend has it that the crane’s legs grow before its wings do, suggesting that the bird has a strong tie to the ground. The crane is also associated with vigilance; it was said to keep watch on one leg while holding a stone in the other foot. The stone would drop if the crane dozed off, waking it and its companions. Heraldry (the art of designing and displaying coats of arms and other devices that identify a family or group) often shows the crane holding a stone in this way, symbolizing alertness.

In one of Aesop’s fables, a peacock laughs at the duller crane. The crane admits that it may not be as visually stunning as the peacock, but it has the capability to soar to the very heavens, whereas the peacock is stuck on the ground. The moral of the story is the commonly repeated adage,
“Fine feathers do not make a fine bird.” In Celtic myth, the crane bag, made from the skin of a crane, held many of the treasures precious to the Irish god Mannanan. One of these treasures may have been the staves of ogham, a rune-like system of writing or divination whose shapes are sometimes compared to the sticklike shape of a crane’s legs.

Omens and divinatory meaning: If you see a crane flying, it may be drawing your eyes to the heavens, lifting your spirits, and inspiring you to trust in the universe. If you see it standing, it may be advising vigilance and alertness.”
Source: http://www.beliefnet.com/wellness/environment/galleries/a-spiritual-field-guide-to-birds.aspx?p=6

I thought that was all really cool.

I am so bored at work, I guess I should start getting key sheets ready…but the light duty guy is STILL putting keys away…it’s like DANG! lol I think he’s just being super careful.

Anyway, back to work….