Hell week…

So this has been a week from hell. I had to miss two days of work because my daughter ran away. I won’t be posting any details, but FUCK…it’s just beyond what my husband and I can do….there is no longer anything we can do. She doesn’t WANT or THINK she needs help. While she was gone, she reached out to her mother. Her mom called my hubs and got the lowdown, she is completely on our side. She understands and believes that there is nothing anything of us can do to keep her safe because she willfully takes off and leaves in the middle of the night and meets up with random strangers from snapchat and whisper. Grown men at that. She lies and says she’s 18…she’s 15. She doesn’t care that any one of these strangers could leave her dead in a ditch….or think about her safety at all, she just want sex…all the time. She has some sort of addiction…and doesn’t care about anyone including herself. The most recent trip to the psychiatric crisis center gave us a huge insight. That counselor thinks she has Borderline Personality Disorder. and it make a lot of sense, previously we have been told it’s Bipolar(Um, nope, I’m bipolar, I can tell she is worse.), depression/anxiety(Sorry wrong again it goes way deeper than that.) PTSD, yes very possibly has this with the BPD because they say I have that too because of the abandonment issues with my dad and other things that happened growing up, and she has all that baggage from being removed from her mom and how she feels abandoned.

So BPD symptoms are as follows:

People with BPD may experience extreme mood swings and can display uncertainty about who they are. As a result, their interests and values can change rapidly.

Other symptoms include

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
  • Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality

This is my daughter to a T! If we can just get someone to understand and agree and give us an exact diagnosis, and figure out the right medication/s for her. We have an appt with a psychiatrist on June 1st/8th/15th to get a diagnosis, but who knows if she is going to believe us or buy what chyann is selling. It’s consistently been that the professionals buy what she’s selling and ignore what we are saying. An ongoing battle for 3 years and her actions just keep escalating to bigger and worse things.

I made her clean her room today. Because I told her she broke her word, so she doesn’t get to just have her room whatever way she wants anymore. And that I would spot check it…it took her 11 hours to clean it. I cleaned the ENTIRE house in 5 hours.

She set out to make me angry today and I let her win…I got angry over something she did…she threw away a very special gift I had bought for her when she was 8, when her dad and I were still just seeing each other. It was a Cabbage Patch. I had several growing up and loved them to death…I still have them. So I felt it was special to give her one and hoped she would cherish it forever. But today I found it in the trash after I walked the dogs and went to throw the dog poop away, and I couldn’t salvage it because the  trash is full of dirty kitty litter. It hurt me that she would do that. and in my hurt I got angry and I said something I shouldn’t have. When I went down to walk the dogs again I apologized for what I said and said I shouldn’t have said that and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told her I love her.

I am just so tired and we don’t know how to help a kid who doesn’t WANT or THINK she needs it and she so desperately does. No one listens to us, so we get no where. Her bio mom is now aware of everything going on and THANKFULLY is on our side with doing what we need to to get her treatment, that’s a relief.

~*~

And now I am just upset in general and really feeling the whole left in my heart when I lost my best friend Sherry. She was like a second mom to me and she was really good with advice for handling Chyann, and I could really use her right now. I miss her so much. I think I need to take a trip to Trillium Lake and visit her.(Her ashes were spread there by her daughter).

I miss my Poppy too, and my Papa…I wish I could visit Poppy’s grave but he’s buried in Texas. I am thankful my grandma bought tiny urns for all of us and gave us each a a little bit of Papa. It means a lot.

I should not be listening to this song, because it just makes me cry…I tired to find my happy place with PJ but I couldn’t…I’m just so far from happy.

 

My heart is broken right now.

More Than I Deserve…

My hubby is definitely more than I deserve, and I love him more than anything. Sometimes I am afraid he’ll wake up one day and realize that he is more than I deserve…and that’s a scary thought. I don’t *really* think that’s going to happen, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind. I didn’t write this, Christian Kane did…and if I recall correctly it was with Steve Carlson…but either way, every time I hear this song…I just think of the fact that, my hubby is more than I deserve and this song is so accurate…

Livin’ with me, it ain’t easy
But I do it every day
Sometimes even now
I wanna run away
But there you are
You’re tryin’ to please me
Yeah you stand your ground
It’s more than I deserve

I’ve taken more than I’ve been givin’
I’ve taken for granted this life I’m livin’
I don’t know why heaven above
Blessed me with your sweet love
Though I never tell you what you’re worth
It’s more than I deserve

I love my husband more than anything, and I hope he does know that. I do tell him, but I hope he knows it’s true and honest and I’m not just saying it because that’s what you do…

~*~*~*~

On another note, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all the moms out there…whether I know you or not, thank you for all that you do for your children.

This is a four generations picture, my mamaw on my left(right of the photo), my mom on my right(left of the photo), myself(center), and my baby girl in front of me. It was a nice day with family. ❤ ❤ ❤

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Long week…

Been a long ass week.
Sunday I had to drive to Southern Oregon to take Chyann’s sister back to her dad. That was a long ass 5 hours, there and back. I almost fell asleep, I swear!
Monday I had to leave work early because of a migraine.
Tuesday I worked an extra hour to make up time, but was headache free.
Wednesday I woke with another migraine at around 2:30, it was finally gone around 13:00.
Thursday I worked an extra hour and then at home, I went and got dinner last night for Chyann and I at this local mexican place, Tony’s Taco Shop…which I love, and I had a burrito and donuts for dessert(as J had bought a bucket(yes you read that right) of Voodoo Doughnuts)…I was feeling fine when I went to bed, then woke up at 2am sick as hell and spent 30 mins puking my guts out in the bathroom. And I’m not the kind of person who can puke just because they need to…nope, I have to physically stick a finger down my throat and gag myself. Yeah last night was fun!
Today, it is windy AF out and has caused all kinds of problems everywhere. Took me 45 mins to get to work which usually takes 25. I get here and our system is down, internet, and everything we use is internet based, so we are dead in the water. We have no way of tracking anyone, so it finally comes back up at like 10:40 and then lasts about 20 minutes and we lose EVERYTHING, Power, phones, internet, back up generator kicks on but phones are still dead for 20 mins…then it comes back up again…and so far it’s working.
I have to work tomorrow too…to make up time for Monday….BLAH!

BUT…really cool news, I finally caved, and tomorrow after I work, I have my first acupuncture appointment. I am hoping maybe it will bring some relief for these headaches.
My Sleep study PART 2 isn’t until May 25th, and I’m not seeing my headache doctor again until June 5th, kind of frustrated about that because its so damn far away, and I want to talk to my headache doctor about new meds because these aren’t working. I want to see if she can prescribe Benadryl injections for migraine treatment when I get one because at the ER they gave me that and it worked to break one I’d had for 3 days straight.

So Chyann is being treated like an adult now…we’re doing this experiment for the next 3 months and see how things go…so until the 4th of July…at least. She wants to be an adult and make adult type decisions that she really is not prepared for…then she can do that and also make all her other decisions and deal with any consequences that arise on her own. We are out of ideas on how else to get through to her. I mean when you’ve tried everything, literally EVERYTHING and she just won’t get with it, or even act like she gives a shit…then you have to get extreme. One of my drivers said not to feel bad about doing it…it’s just some tough love and sometimes that’s what you have to do. I talk to them a lot. Most of them are good guys.

Yesterday though, one called in ANGRY and left an anon voicemail for the router who routed his route yesterday….to say this vm was colorful is a VAST understatement, it was OUTRIGHT offensive and completely uncalled for because it wasn’t the router’s fault this time. Anyway, The routers came and got me because I talk to the driver’s most often and asked me if I would know the voice from listening to the voicemail and I said probably. And I did….so I had to identify the driver, and I like the guy, but he is a hot head…and what he did was completely inappropriate…even if it had been routing’s fault…(which I will admit, most of the time it is). However, this time there was nothing routed badly, he just got behind so one of his stops wouldn’t take him during their lunch rush and when he went back to that stop he was 3.5 hours behind. This was his own doing though….or from some sort of circumstances which had nothing to do with the way he was routed…he’s going to get written up, most likely suspended and possibly even fired. It’s like really, was it work that?

My MIL, the one I like and get along with sent my daughter and I some little trinkets from a trip to Sedona, AZ with her sister.
I am in love with this ring!
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Ghostbeads, these are a Navajo tradition, they are believed to protect you from evil spirits.
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Then I made this today for Foxy Friday, because tom Hardy is THE FOX! You know I love him! hehe And I was bored while the system at work was down…lol
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And now I have to pee, so I’m gonna go do that…lol

WOOOHOOO!

My new glasses arrived today…WOOT!!! They are so much more comfortable than those stupid ones I bought at the eye doctor.

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The ones I’m replacing, are a great design in theory…they are supposed to grip your head instead of having the little piece that goes behind the ear. In theory, that’s awesome! But no matter how much I had them adjusted, they were too loose and would not grip my head and constantly slip down my face, and I think that has been a big contributor to my migraines/headaches.

I’m so damn pissed off with Chyann tonight. I got to leave work early, they were at an appt for her that never happened. I get a call from Jason that she wants to go to Target. 40 fucking minutes later I text and ask if they are coming home, he replies back, yes when she stops wandering. I told him make her stop, with her behavior lately she didn’t even deserve to go there in the first damn place and I want to make and eat dinner sometime this century. So they finally got home while I’m already starting on dinner, and she is pissed off at me. He thought she wanted to buy something at Target, her “reasoning” for going was because she wanted to walk around and get exercise because we made notice of how much weight she has gained because of the lithium she is on and the fact that she eats nothing but garbage and is THE SINGLE LAZIEST FUCKING PERSON ON THE PLANET and does nothing but sit on her ass all the time and throws a fit if you make her do anything else. First of all 7pm on a weeknight is not the time to decide you want to go walk around somewhere for exercise…second Target is not somewhere you go for exercise, you go to the mall and do laps around the perimeter speed walking….leisurely walking around Target looking at shit you WANT is not fucking exercise. So because I made them come home and said she didn’t deserve to go there because of her behavior, she is ignoring me, being pissy and sat herself on the floor on the other side of Jason in the recliner instead of coming and sitting on the couch BY ME…I have really had about enough of this feel sorry for myself pissy bullshit attitude of her’s.

Also, now she is making her homework take WAY FUCKING LONGER than it needs to and I’m ready for bed and don’t get to have Sexy Time with my husband after all…she is doing it ALL ON PURPOSE! I know how she works…and she is the most manipulative self centered little brat I have ever met…she isn’t working on any of her shit…we keep shelling out money to a psychiatrist she isn’t working with on her issues, and she refuses to tell the psych nurse that lithium isn’t working…and she refuses to a god damned thing different. Nothing has changed, since before she went to Trillium, or even since Keyton left…NOT ONE GOD DAMNED THING!

I’m pissed off and going to bed.

The shit hath hiteth the fan…eth

This is Bailey! She is our friend’s black lab, she is 9 years old and sooooo sweet! We are dog-sitting for the week. I told them last time, that I was keeping her, she is such a baby doll! lol
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~_~

I think my hubby and I have the same thing…we are both sick and feel like “hot garbage” as he puts it. My throat is scratchy, and I’m a little achey. He is feeling even worse than me though. Hopefully I don’t get worse…

Work was actually, surprisingly, not so bad today. Only a few late routes and one issue that a driver called about. That is unusual for the way the past month and a half have been. With the stupid weather, snow and ice and the holidays and then the new bids going into effect. So it was a nice reprieve.

Chyann turned in an “essay” to her teacher on connections, and it’s a joke…she didn’t write paragraphs, she spaced down for every sentence, she center aligned it. She didn’t fix any of the things her teacher marked from the first draft. It was supposed to be MLA format…I see “Chyann format”…she did it the way she wanted and didn’t give a shit. She didn’t bother to ask for help…OMG, Jason is correcting it right now. And she is giving her same pissy attitude she always gives because we are telling her she was wrong. I made her shut the damn TV off. I am so sick of being talked to the way she talks to us. If I had talked to my mother that way I would have been popped in the mouth. In fact on more than one occasion that did happen. She has no respect for anyone. I am so sick of her bullshit. She is angry at her biological mother and translates to being a horrid person to everyone all the time.

I know what it’s like to be abandoned by a parent, but I never acted anything like her because of the anger I grew up with towards my father. I wasn’t disrespectful to my parents, I didn’t treat people like they were stupid or their feelings didn’t matter…she does. She doesn’t really care about anyone, she just sucks up and says her “I love you mommy” or “I love you daddy” when she thinks it will get her something. She is a manipulative, angry, self absorbed little bitch! I know she has problems, but OMG, she is not willing to work on them. She doesn’t really think she needs help or that there is anything wrong with the way she behaves. She’s right, we’re wrong, she knows everything, we are stupid. And yes, I know some of that is typical teenage attitude, but mixed with all her other bullshit, it gets old really fucking fast!

I am so over dealing with her. She doesn’t care about me or my feelings, she treats me like I’m trash, but she expects me to kiss the fucking ground she walks on…not fucking happening, I’m done playing nice.

God, I am in a bad fucking mood now.

I don’t know how I’m as fucking “balanced” as I am with all the crap my family put me through, all the shit that happened outside my family, growing up with the kind of mother I did, growing up without a father, high school shit, ex boyfriend shit, and now her shit for the past three years, and that compounded with Keyton and his baggage, Jason and I fighting all the time because of the stress we’re both under with all this shit and our jobs. He and I both feel like the other doesn’t care…I said not so long ago I feel like she and he would be just as happy if I wasn’t around. I don’t know about him, but I am firm in that opinion of Chyann, she would be happier with just her dad, no me and no Keyton. She makes that clear in the way she treats me and talks to me.

She doesn’t want to get better, she doesn’t care about doing good in school…she is acting like this connections academy isn’t really shool and it doesn’t count…I’m sorry but yes, she is getting graded. It’s just as real as going to an actual school.

Seriously though, it’s bullshit and I’m sick of being screamed at by my teenage daughter…tired of being treated like shit, lied to, tricked, manipulated to see what she wants us to see instead of what it really going on(ie her sneaking out on a regular basis)…it’s all fucking total bullshit…I’m so sick of it, I am pissed and right now this is my feeling toward her…
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She can’t handle anything not going right or her way, she gets pissed off and storms around stomping her feet. It’s like she is throwing a 2 year old tantrum. She’s 15…you get how terrible this is? She turns mole hills into mountains. She literally broke down into tears over a pencil breaking while she was drawing the other day. She dropped her lipgloss on the carpet at Trillium when she was still there, (mind you I spent 5 bucks buying her a Stitch Tsum Tsum lip smacker) and she was ready to throw it away. She had it for about 45 minutes at this point…it was the end of the fucking world…complete and total mental breakdown over dropping lipgloss which could be washed or rinsed off. Seriously?

Its all this shit, her attitude, her mouth, her behavior, the way she treats us(Jason and Me as well as Keyton). She makes it clear she hates Keyton. She said outloud, “He’s not family.” she is mean to him. Yes he is awnry and naughty towards her, but he is 6, she is 15, she knows better. If he’s not family, then neither am I. And I’m just about at my breaking point with her. I really need to talk to him about this.

I have to go get Keyton in bed…

damn…

Sometimes, my husband and my step-daughter, make me feel like they would be perfectly happy without me here. Last night was one such time. I feel ignored, neglected, not cared about and like my presence just doesn’t matter.

I talked to both of them today about this, but I don’t know how, when or if things will improve…

We all need a lot of help.

I’m going to watch my Mockingjay now…