Hell week…

So this has been a week from hell. I had to miss two days of work because my daughter ran away. I won’t be posting any details, but FUCK…it’s just beyond what my husband and I can do….there is no longer anything we can do. She doesn’t WANT or THINK she needs help. While she was gone, she reached out to her mother. Her mom called my hubs and got the lowdown, she is completely on our side. She understands and believes that there is nothing anything of us can do to keep her safe because she willfully takes off and leaves in the middle of the night and meets up with random strangers from snapchat and whisper. Grown men at that. She lies and says she’s 18…she’s 15. She doesn’t care that any one of these strangers could leave her dead in a ditch….or think about her safety at all, she just want sex…all the time. She has some sort of addiction…and doesn’t care about anyone including herself. The most recent trip to the psychiatric crisis center gave us a huge insight. That counselor thinks she has Borderline Personality Disorder. and it make a lot of sense, previously we have been told it’s Bipolar(Um, nope, I’m bipolar, I can tell she is worse.), depression/anxiety(Sorry wrong again it goes way deeper than that.) PTSD, yes very possibly has this with the BPD because they say I have that too because of the abandonment issues with my dad and other things that happened growing up, and she has all that baggage from being removed from her mom and how she feels abandoned.

So BPD symptoms are as follows:

People with BPD may experience extreme mood swings and can display uncertainty about who they are. As a result, their interests and values can change rapidly.

Other symptoms include

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
  • Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality

This is my daughter to a T! If we can just get someone to understand and agree and give us an exact diagnosis, and figure out the right medication/s for her. We have an appt with a psychiatrist on June 1st/8th/15th to get a diagnosis, but who knows if she is going to believe us or buy what chyann is selling. It’s consistently been that the professionals buy what she’s selling and ignore what we are saying. An ongoing battle for 3 years and her actions just keep escalating to bigger and worse things.

I made her clean her room today. Because I told her she broke her word, so she doesn’t get to just have her room whatever way she wants anymore. And that I would spot check it…it took her 11 hours to clean it. I cleaned the ENTIRE house in 5 hours.

She set out to make me angry today and I let her win…I got angry over something she did…she threw away a very special gift I had bought for her when she was 8, when her dad and I were still just seeing each other. It was a Cabbage Patch. I had several growing up and loved them to death…I still have them. So I felt it was special to give her one and hoped she would cherish it forever. But today I found it in the trash after I walked the dogs and went to throw the dog poop away, and I couldn’t salvage it because the  trash is full of dirty kitty litter. It hurt me that she would do that. and in my hurt I got angry and I said something I shouldn’t have. When I went down to walk the dogs again I apologized for what I said and said I shouldn’t have said that and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told her I love her.

I am just so tired and we don’t know how to help a kid who doesn’t WANT or THINK she needs it and she so desperately does. No one listens to us, so we get no where. Her bio mom is now aware of everything going on and THANKFULLY is on our side with doing what we need to to get her treatment, that’s a relief.

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And now I am just upset in general and really feeling the whole left in my heart when I lost my best friend Sherry. She was like a second mom to me and she was really good with advice for handling Chyann, and I could really use her right now. I miss her so much. I think I need to take a trip to Trillium Lake and visit her.(Her ashes were spread there by her daughter).

I miss my Poppy too, and my Papa…I wish I could visit Poppy’s grave but he’s buried in Texas. I am thankful my grandma bought tiny urns for all of us and gave us each a a little bit of Papa. It means a lot.

I should not be listening to this song, because it just makes me cry…I tired to find my happy place with PJ but I couldn’t…I’m just so far from happy.

 

My heart is broken right now.

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More Than I Deserve…

My hubby is definitely more than I deserve, and I love him more than anything. Sometimes I am afraid he’ll wake up one day and realize that he is more than I deserve…and that’s a scary thought. I don’t *really* think that’s going to happen, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind. I didn’t write this, Christian Kane did…and if I recall correctly it was with Steve Carlson…but either way, every time I hear this song…I just think of the fact that, my hubby is more than I deserve and this song is so accurate…

Livin’ with me, it ain’t easy
But I do it every day
Sometimes even now
I wanna run away
But there you are
You’re tryin’ to please me
Yeah you stand your ground
It’s more than I deserve

I’ve taken more than I’ve been givin’
I’ve taken for granted this life I’m livin’
I don’t know why heaven above
Blessed me with your sweet love
Though I never tell you what you’re worth
It’s more than I deserve

I love my husband more than anything, and I hope he does know that. I do tell him, but I hope he knows it’s true and honest and I’m not just saying it because that’s what you do…

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On another note, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all the moms out there…whether I know you or not, thank you for all that you do for your children.

This is a four generations picture, my mamaw on my left(right of the photo), my mom on my right(left of the photo), myself(center), and my baby girl in front of me. It was a nice day with family. ❤ ❤ ❤

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Nightmarish…

Hubby just called, and his dad and step mom are still being ridiculous, I’m not speaking to them right now. And i did tell them what my issues are…they are judgey and preachy and make me feel like they don’t think I’m good enough at all for their family. It’s like they look down on me. I’ve told them this is how I feel in a very detailed manner and gave reasons why…they have no bothered to return the courtesy, so I am not speaking to them. Then he step mom was in town for a conference and I was sick AF with a migraine. I spent 5 hours in the ER to get treated for the damn thing…and I had just gotten home and was sitting in the recliner not talking, lights off still and looking for something mind numbing to watch on Netflix. she dropped by and was talking to Jason and Chyann for a few…asked how I was feeling and that was it I answered and said not good…and then she went home and bitched to my FIL that I didn’t speak to her and I was “Playing on my phone.” I wasn’t on my phone I was on the computer, and I felt like shit after 5 hours in the ER with the worst fucking migraine I’ve had in like 5 years. So sue me! They bitch to him about me like that but won’t address anything directly with me…and the things they bitch about…are a direct reflection of the way they treat me…if they don’t treat me like I’m good enough for their family, why would I want to engage with them???

His mom and step dad on the other hand are great! So down to earth and chill and. honestly, I prefer spending time with them.

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Also I just wanted to mention, if you see any mention of Taylor in previous posts, that is my former best friend and I ended the friendship because she was an awful friend. And I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. Instead I let it drag out for 20 years. And now, I feel so much better since I ended it. 20 years is way too long to try and make a friendship work or home someone will change. People don’t change unless they want to and she doesn’t because she thinks she does nothing wrong. She thinks I’m the one who is ridiculous for wanting her to treat me better as her best friend. She is self absorbed and when I tell her she’s not being a good friend, she says “I have a lot going on in my life right now.” Yeah all of which is going well for you, I have a lot of shit and I’m still a better friend. So whatever. It’s done.

I am freezing…gotta put my jacket back on. I hate that my desk is so close to the damn warehouse, I can’t wait until it’s not anymore…UGH this promotion is taking forever to get here….lol I’m so excited I just want to train my replacement, change my schedule and start my new job. Kevin still hasn’t made a decision on the new me yet though…

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So I didn’t sleep for shit last night, and it was because I kept waking up from nightmares. I can’t figure out why…I only remember two of them. And they were both Lucid dreams, which for those who don’t know means you are asleep and dreaming but completely aware of it and can even feel things in the dreams at times, but you are completely unable to wake yourself…and anytime I have a nightmare it’s a lucid one.

The first was that I met my hubby at a shoe store. And when he stood up and turned around to look at me something awful had happened to his right eye. It was all bloody and like part of it cut off and hanging on by a tread…and I do mean part of the eyeball….and what so bad here is that eye trauma makes me, not just squeamish, but completely FTFO! I just can’t handle it. Seeing it or hearing about it….i can’t do it, it makes my skin crawl.

The next was the last one I had before I woke up this morning and actually got out of bed. No part of this was based in reality at all…I was walking down the street of my neighborhood with an old lady from my block, very sweet little thing. She stumbled and collapsed in another neighbor’s driveway. I rushed to her to help her up but she was unconscious or dead…I’m not sure which because of what happened next. The garage door opened up and the guy that lived there was a cop, guy looks just like the actor Nestor Carbonell. He comes out of the garage and I start to try to explain what happened. He rips his uniform shirt off literally popping buttons and throws it and then takes off his white under shirt and throws it and he is looking crazed as hell and he reaches into his garage and grabs a machete and starts stalking towards me and I run. Leaving the old woman there. He stalks a long slowly after me and I am freaking. I run into my garage which is open and for some dumb reason that’s where I hide. I drops to my stomach and hide under a bunch of empty cardboard boxes. I think my hubby and I had just moved in, he is not home right now though. The cop comes to the old lady’s driveway and gets in her car and hot wires it or something and he sets the thing on fire from the inside and then pushes it or rolls it, whatever down to my driveway. I’m under all the boxes shaking like a leaf but I can see out through a crack between two of them, and I see the car roll up on fire and then I see him stalking closer still carrying the machete towards me and coming up towards my garage. I’m trembling like crazy afraid he’s going to find me and I shut my eyes tight to try to focus and stop trembling. But doesn’t happen. Then the boxes start moving and uncovering me and I open my eyes and scream but it’s not him, it’s my hubby. Who is not Jason, but instead Christian Kane, and he looks at me imploringly and I lunge at him and hug him and that’s when I woke up, completely out of breath just like I was in the dream. I felt everything all the real emotion, the sweating, the terror and the relief.

So I have no idea what caused all of this, but yeah…it sucked.

Dreamscape…

So this might come through a little disjointed I’m doing voice to text while I’m driving to work but what I wanted to do was blog about this really bizarre dream that I had last night cuz I never remember my dreams because of my medication that I take so the fact that I had this really divid dream was crazy so it started in present day and it was a family mom dad daughter who was like I don’t know 15 and a little boy who was probably seven or eight and the little boy walks through a portal where on one side the portal is present day and then the other side its back in some War and see I don’t really know a lot about wars because I slept through most of my history classes in school so it’s not something I’m really knowledgeable about so he ends up in this war time and he can’t go back though the portal it’s only one direction so he’s missing and his family has no idea where he’s gone what happened they just you know they woke up or whatever and he was gone and he is missing for like years and they keep looking for him and finally they discover that there’s a portal and he traveled back in time so they go back to this war time but by then it’s been like years so the war is over but the kids still there and now he’s like 16 17 years old and they go back and they they they don’t know that that’s where he is but they think that’s where he is and so they go there and they start asking around and one thing that was kind of funny is that the dad asked but as he would ask he would introduce himself and he introduced himself as Jim Hankinson which is one of my drivers at work only the guy didn’t look like my driver he looks like this like bit-part actor that I don’t know the name of but I know his face so he introduces himself you know says I’m looking for my son who’s been missing for years and show the picture of him from when he was a kid and so they go around for a long time looking like I don’t know a week and they finally find him and that’s when I woke up so I have no idea if they got back to present day or not but at least they found him it’s just really weird because I never remember my dreams anymore and I think that’s because like I said of my bipolar medication it might be the citalopram and so they just they don’t stick everyone dreams at night regardless of whether or not you remember it that’s what REM sleep is and so it’s like they’re there I just can’t recall them and by the time I woke up this morning I had forgotten the dream but then I remembered it when I was getting out of the shower so I was like I need to blog this because I never remember them and man it was so vivid like I was there vivid

The shit hath hiteth the fan…eth

This is Bailey! She is our friend’s black lab, she is 9 years old and sooooo sweet! We are dog-sitting for the week. I told them last time, that I was keeping her, she is such a baby doll! lol
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~_~

I think my hubby and I have the same thing…we are both sick and feel like “hot garbage” as he puts it. My throat is scratchy, and I’m a little achey. He is feeling even worse than me though. Hopefully I don’t get worse…

Work was actually, surprisingly, not so bad today. Only a few late routes and one issue that a driver called about. That is unusual for the way the past month and a half have been. With the stupid weather, snow and ice and the holidays and then the new bids going into effect. So it was a nice reprieve.

Chyann turned in an “essay” to her teacher on connections, and it’s a joke…she didn’t write paragraphs, she spaced down for every sentence, she center aligned it. She didn’t fix any of the things her teacher marked from the first draft. It was supposed to be MLA format…I see “Chyann format”…she did it the way she wanted and didn’t give a shit. She didn’t bother to ask for help…OMG, Jason is correcting it right now. And she is giving her same pissy attitude she always gives because we are telling her she was wrong. I made her shut the damn TV off. I am so sick of being talked to the way she talks to us. If I had talked to my mother that way I would have been popped in the mouth. In fact on more than one occasion that did happen. She has no respect for anyone. I am so sick of her bullshit. She is angry at her biological mother and translates to being a horrid person to everyone all the time.

I know what it’s like to be abandoned by a parent, but I never acted anything like her because of the anger I grew up with towards my father. I wasn’t disrespectful to my parents, I didn’t treat people like they were stupid or their feelings didn’t matter…she does. She doesn’t really care about anyone, she just sucks up and says her “I love you mommy” or “I love you daddy” when she thinks it will get her something. She is a manipulative, angry, self absorbed little bitch! I know she has problems, but OMG, she is not willing to work on them. She doesn’t really think she needs help or that there is anything wrong with the way she behaves. She’s right, we’re wrong, she knows everything, we are stupid. And yes, I know some of that is typical teenage attitude, but mixed with all her other bullshit, it gets old really fucking fast!

I am so over dealing with her. She doesn’t care about me or my feelings, she treats me like I’m trash, but she expects me to kiss the fucking ground she walks on…not fucking happening, I’m done playing nice.

God, I am in a bad fucking mood now.

I don’t know how I’m as fucking “balanced” as I am with all the crap my family put me through, all the shit that happened outside my family, growing up with the kind of mother I did, growing up without a father, high school shit, ex boyfriend shit, and now her shit for the past three years, and that compounded with Keyton and his baggage, Jason and I fighting all the time because of the stress we’re both under with all this shit and our jobs. He and I both feel like the other doesn’t care…I said not so long ago I feel like she and he would be just as happy if I wasn’t around. I don’t know about him, but I am firm in that opinion of Chyann, she would be happier with just her dad, no me and no Keyton. She makes that clear in the way she treats me and talks to me.

She doesn’t want to get better, she doesn’t care about doing good in school…she is acting like this connections academy isn’t really shool and it doesn’t count…I’m sorry but yes, she is getting graded. It’s just as real as going to an actual school.

Seriously though, it’s bullshit and I’m sick of being screamed at by my teenage daughter…tired of being treated like shit, lied to, tricked, manipulated to see what she wants us to see instead of what it really going on(ie her sneaking out on a regular basis)…it’s all fucking total bullshit…I’m so sick of it, I am pissed and right now this is my feeling toward her…
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She can’t handle anything not going right or her way, she gets pissed off and storms around stomping her feet. It’s like she is throwing a 2 year old tantrum. She’s 15…you get how terrible this is? She turns mole hills into mountains. She literally broke down into tears over a pencil breaking while she was drawing the other day. She dropped her lipgloss on the carpet at Trillium when she was still there, (mind you I spent 5 bucks buying her a Stitch Tsum Tsum lip smacker) and she was ready to throw it away. She had it for about 45 minutes at this point…it was the end of the fucking world…complete and total mental breakdown over dropping lipgloss which could be washed or rinsed off. Seriously?

Its all this shit, her attitude, her mouth, her behavior, the way she treats us(Jason and Me as well as Keyton). She makes it clear she hates Keyton. She said outloud, “He’s not family.” she is mean to him. Yes he is awnry and naughty towards her, but he is 6, she is 15, she knows better. If he’s not family, then neither am I. And I’m just about at my breaking point with her. I really need to talk to him about this.

I have to go get Keyton in bed…

Not amused in the slightest…

So…I did completely lose my story. I am so upset about that. I will have to start from scratch. It’s so frustrating, but I guess that’s just something writers have to deal with. I need to find someway to back files up, so if a computer crashes, I don’t lose my work again.

I was able to find a good chunk of music I had just by DLing iTunes again.

We went to the library today and I got a card for myself. Lived in Salem 3 years now and I just now got a library card…how sad is that? lol I got 5 CDs which I am currently importing into iTunes. So I can keep them…lol I also got 3 books, Miss Peregrine’s the first book of the series, and the first two in the True Blood series. ❤ I'm excited.

OMG, and I just found out via iTunes that AFI(A Fire Inside) one of my fave bands released a brand new album on Friday which I had not head about…ugh, I need it!!! lol I love Davey Havoc!!! I just previewed the new album, and OMG, it's like a throw back to my favorite AFI album, Sing The Sorrow! I am sooooo excited!!!

I do not want to go back to work tomorrow. I am not ready for another clusterfuck week. UGH. And Kevin gave me another hint that Kurtis is planning to change my schedule *soon*. lol He doesn't know how to keep secrets very well…lol I was a little iffy when I met Kevin at first, but I actually like him a lot. Of course, no one is Jess, but he's a nice guy just the same. I will always love my Jess and I still miss him terribly. We had fun together! We do text each other still and talk on the phone every so often.

I have been terribly light headed since about 5pm, so I guess I'm gonna go lay down and start reading one of my new books. I think I'll start with True Blood.

Goodnight.

P.S. We are dog sitting, our friend's black lab, Bailey. She is so big and sweet and cuddly! Makes me want a big dog. First time we watched her I told her daddy I was keeping her. lol

damn…

Sometimes, my husband and my step-daughter, make me feel like they would be perfectly happy without me here. Last night was one such time. I feel ignored, neglected, not cared about and like my presence just doesn’t matter.

I talked to both of them today about this, but I don’t know how, when or if things will improve…

We all need a lot of help.

I’m going to watch my Mockingjay now…