Hell week…

So this has been a week from hell. I had to miss two days of work because my daughter ran away. I won’t be posting any details, but FUCK…it’s just beyond what my husband and I can do….there is no longer anything we can do. She doesn’t WANT or THINK she needs help. While she was gone, she reached out to her mother. Her mom called my hubs and got the lowdown, she is completely on our side. She understands and believes that there is nothing anything of us can do to keep her safe because she willfully takes off and leaves in the middle of the night and meets up with random strangers from snapchat and whisper. Grown men at that. She lies and says she’s 18…she’s 15. She doesn’t care that any one of these strangers could leave her dead in a ditch….or think about her safety at all, she just want sex…all the time. She has some sort of addiction…and doesn’t care about anyone including herself. The most recent trip to the psychiatric crisis center gave us a huge insight. That counselor thinks she has Borderline Personality Disorder. and it make a lot of sense, previously we have been told it’s Bipolar(Um, nope, I’m bipolar, I can tell she is worse.), depression/anxiety(Sorry wrong again it goes way deeper than that.) PTSD, yes very possibly has this with the BPD because they say I have that too because of the abandonment issues with my dad and other things that happened growing up, and she has all that baggage from being removed from her mom and how she feels abandoned.

So BPD symptoms are as follows:

People with BPD may experience extreme mood swings and can display uncertainty about who they are. As a result, their interests and values can change rapidly.

Other symptoms include

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
  • Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality

This is my daughter to a T! If we can just get someone to understand and agree and give us an exact diagnosis, and figure out the right medication/s for her. We have an appt with a psychiatrist on June 1st/8th/15th to get a diagnosis, but who knows if she is going to believe us or buy what chyann is selling. It’s consistently been that the professionals buy what she’s selling and ignore what we are saying. An ongoing battle for 3 years and her actions just keep escalating to bigger and worse things.

I made her clean her room today. Because I told her she broke her word, so she doesn’t get to just have her room whatever way she wants anymore. And that I would spot check it…it took her 11 hours to clean it. I cleaned the ENTIRE house in 5 hours.

She set out to make me angry today and I let her win…I got angry over something she did…she threw away a very special gift I had bought for her when she was 8, when her dad and I were still just seeing each other. It was a Cabbage Patch. I had several growing up and loved them to death…I still have them. So I felt it was special to give her one and hoped she would cherish it forever. But today I found it in the trash after I walked the dogs and went to throw the dog poop away, and I couldn’t salvage it because the  trash is full of dirty kitty litter. It hurt me that she would do that. and in my hurt I got angry and I said something I shouldn’t have. When I went down to walk the dogs again I apologized for what I said and said I shouldn’t have said that and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told her I love her.

I am just so tired and we don’t know how to help a kid who doesn’t WANT or THINK she needs it and she so desperately does. No one listens to us, so we get no where. Her bio mom is now aware of everything going on and THANKFULLY is on our side with doing what we need to to get her treatment, that’s a relief.

~*~

And now I am just upset in general and really feeling the whole left in my heart when I lost my best friend Sherry. She was like a second mom to me and she was really good with advice for handling Chyann, and I could really use her right now. I miss her so much. I think I need to take a trip to Trillium Lake and visit her.(Her ashes were spread there by her daughter).

I miss my Poppy too, and my Papa…I wish I could visit Poppy’s grave but he’s buried in Texas. I am thankful my grandma bought tiny urns for all of us and gave us each a a little bit of Papa. It means a lot.

I should not be listening to this song, because it just makes me cry…I tired to find my happy place with PJ but I couldn’t…I’m just so far from happy.

 

My heart is broken right now.

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More Than I Deserve…

My hubby is definitely more than I deserve, and I love him more than anything. Sometimes I am afraid he’ll wake up one day and realize that he is more than I deserve…and that’s a scary thought. I don’t *really* think that’s going to happen, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind. I didn’t write this, Christian Kane did…and if I recall correctly it was with Steve Carlson…but either way, every time I hear this song…I just think of the fact that, my hubby is more than I deserve and this song is so accurate…

Livin’ with me, it ain’t easy
But I do it every day
Sometimes even now
I wanna run away
But there you are
You’re tryin’ to please me
Yeah you stand your ground
It’s more than I deserve

I’ve taken more than I’ve been givin’
I’ve taken for granted this life I’m livin’
I don’t know why heaven above
Blessed me with your sweet love
Though I never tell you what you’re worth
It’s more than I deserve

I love my husband more than anything, and I hope he does know that. I do tell him, but I hope he knows it’s true and honest and I’m not just saying it because that’s what you do…

~*~*~*~

On another note, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all the moms out there…whether I know you or not, thank you for all that you do for your children.

This is a four generations picture, my mamaw on my left(right of the photo), my mom on my right(left of the photo), myself(center), and my baby girl in front of me. It was a nice day with family. ❤ ❤ ❤

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My Last Love…

So I rambled on last night about my first love and just vented today about the best friend who is no more…I think I want to share about the amazing man I did marry and who is the love of my life.

Jason…We met on OK Cupid…and we fell in love fast…He told me he loved me after 2 weeks and I screamed it back. I met his ENTIRE family at his sister’s wedding after 3 weeks and we were engaged after 3 months…we got married on our 1 year anniversary.

We’ve been together 8 years and married 7 years on August 7th this year. He’s amazing. He can handle me, my craziness…below are Tim McGraw Lyrics that fit me very well because of my bipolar:
The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I’ve done for foolish pride
The me that’s never satisfied
The face that’s in the mirror when I don’t like what I see

And none of that scared my hubby away. Telling him I was bipolar didn’t scare him away, and that had scared a lot of guys away. One even freaked and then a week later tried to apologize and say he was sorry and wanted another chance…I was like EFF YOU!

My hubby reassures me, he does dirty work so I don’t have to, he works hard to take care of me. He takes on the big things and let me do the easier things. He has taken care of the finances for years because of how I felt about it because of what happened when I was home with my mom and working and I basically just couldn’t pay for everything and I was working my ass off and was near bankruptcy. But I am trying to be more involved in that aspect now. I want it to be equal and I want us to share.

We have had a bad couple of years with having to take my cousin in for a year and a half and everything going bat shit crazy with Chyann but we are trying to get us back to a better place. I love him more than anything.

At his sister’s wedding we slow danced for the first time…to this epic song. It is our song.

And no matter what happens, I will always be faithfully his. I want to share my life with him and have a baby with him and grow old together. He is the only one for me.
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When I fell in love with Jason, I understood this song…

To Make You Feel My Love – Garth Brooks

I will love him until my last breath.

And maybe you’re thinking all this is mushy non-sense, but for me it is the honest truth.