Don’t be so infantile… 

So I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I had a favorite driver at work. He was my favorite because he would joke with me and when he would come in he would always say to the other drivers at check in… “you know, I’m her favorite!” and he was adorable. He was my favorite for his silliness and jokes. I never told him he was my favorite… he came up with that on his own. Well about two months ago, I was having a conversation with my coworker and he interjected himself into the convo. I argued with his view on events because we both know the person and from a fellow truck drivers perspective it went one way and from administrations perspective it went another and technically we are both right. But apparently its not OK to disagree with him. He hasn’t spoken to me since that day.

This week I started training my replacement because I am starting a job in the department with different duties. Today when she checked him in, he talked to her. And that upset me. Not on her part… but on his. But I sure as hell wouldn’t let him know it. He wants to be an asshole, he can be… but I will not let him see that I am bothered by it. 

On Tuesday, when I introduced her to him… I said, “this is ___, he no longer speaks to me.” he didn’t say a damn thing to that. 

If he is wants to be an asshat, he can expect it right back and I will do the bare minimum of my job as it pertains to him and I will not be nice about it. 

Nightmarish…

Hubby just called, and his dad and step mom are still being ridiculous, I’m not speaking to them right now. And i did tell them what my issues are…they are judgey and preachy and make me feel like they don’t think I’m good enough at all for their family. It’s like they look down on me. I’ve told them this is how I feel in a very detailed manner and gave reasons why…they have no bothered to return the courtesy, so I am not speaking to them. Then he step mom was in town for a conference and I was sick AF with a migraine. I spent 5 hours in the ER to get treated for the damn thing…and I had just gotten home and was sitting in the recliner not talking, lights off still and looking for something mind numbing to watch on Netflix. she dropped by and was talking to Jason and Chyann for a few…asked how I was feeling and that was it I answered and said not good…and then she went home and bitched to my FIL that I didn’t speak to her and I was “Playing on my phone.” I wasn’t on my phone I was on the computer, and I felt like shit after 5 hours in the ER with the worst fucking migraine I’ve had in like 5 years. So sue me! They bitch to him about me like that but won’t address anything directly with me…and the things they bitch about…are a direct reflection of the way they treat me…if they don’t treat me like I’m good enough for their family, why would I want to engage with them???

His mom and step dad on the other hand are great! So down to earth and chill and. honestly, I prefer spending time with them.

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Also I just wanted to mention, if you see any mention of Taylor in previous posts, that is my former best friend and I ended the friendship because she was an awful friend. And I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. Instead I let it drag out for 20 years. And now, I feel so much better since I ended it. 20 years is way too long to try and make a friendship work or home someone will change. People don’t change unless they want to and she doesn’t because she thinks she does nothing wrong. She thinks I’m the one who is ridiculous for wanting her to treat me better as her best friend. She is self absorbed and when I tell her she’s not being a good friend, she says “I have a lot going on in my life right now.” Yeah all of which is going well for you, I have a lot of shit and I’m still a better friend. So whatever. It’s done.

I am freezing…gotta put my jacket back on. I hate that my desk is so close to the damn warehouse, I can’t wait until it’s not anymore…UGH this promotion is taking forever to get here….lol I’m so excited I just want to train my replacement, change my schedule and start my new job. Kevin still hasn’t made a decision on the new me yet though…

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So I didn’t sleep for shit last night, and it was because I kept waking up from nightmares. I can’t figure out why…I only remember two of them. And they were both Lucid dreams, which for those who don’t know means you are asleep and dreaming but completely aware of it and can even feel things in the dreams at times, but you are completely unable to wake yourself…and anytime I have a nightmare it’s a lucid one.

The first was that I met my hubby at a shoe store. And when he stood up and turned around to look at me something awful had happened to his right eye. It was all bloody and like part of it cut off and hanging on by a tread…and I do mean part of the eyeball….and what so bad here is that eye trauma makes me, not just squeamish, but completely FTFO! I just can’t handle it. Seeing it or hearing about it….i can’t do it, it makes my skin crawl.

The next was the last one I had before I woke up this morning and actually got out of bed. No part of this was based in reality at all…I was walking down the street of my neighborhood with an old lady from my block, very sweet little thing. She stumbled and collapsed in another neighbor’s driveway. I rushed to her to help her up but she was unconscious or dead…I’m not sure which because of what happened next. The garage door opened up and the guy that lived there was a cop, guy looks just like the actor Nestor Carbonell. He comes out of the garage and I start to try to explain what happened. He rips his uniform shirt off literally popping buttons and throws it and then takes off his white under shirt and throws it and he is looking crazed as hell and he reaches into his garage and grabs a machete and starts stalking towards me and I run. Leaving the old woman there. He stalks a long slowly after me and I am freaking. I run into my garage which is open and for some dumb reason that’s where I hide. I drops to my stomach and hide under a bunch of empty cardboard boxes. I think my hubby and I had just moved in, he is not home right now though. The cop comes to the old lady’s driveway and gets in her car and hot wires it or something and he sets the thing on fire from the inside and then pushes it or rolls it, whatever down to my driveway. I’m under all the boxes shaking like a leaf but I can see out through a crack between two of them, and I see the car roll up on fire and then I see him stalking closer still carrying the machete towards me and coming up towards my garage. I’m trembling like crazy afraid he’s going to find me and I shut my eyes tight to try to focus and stop trembling. But doesn’t happen. Then the boxes start moving and uncovering me and I open my eyes and scream but it’s not him, it’s my hubby. Who is not Jason, but instead Christian Kane, and he looks at me imploringly and I lunge at him and hug him and that’s when I woke up, completely out of breath just like I was in the dream. I felt everything all the real emotion, the sweating, the terror and the relief.

So I have no idea what caused all of this, but yeah…it sucked.

WOOOHOOO!

My new glasses arrived today…WOOT!!! They are so much more comfortable than those stupid ones I bought at the eye doctor.

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The ones I’m replacing, are a great design in theory…they are supposed to grip your head instead of having the little piece that goes behind the ear. In theory, that’s awesome! But no matter how much I had them adjusted, they were too loose and would not grip my head and constantly slip down my face, and I think that has been a big contributor to my migraines/headaches.

I’m so damn pissed off with Chyann tonight. I got to leave work early, they were at an appt for her that never happened. I get a call from Jason that she wants to go to Target. 40 fucking minutes later I text and ask if they are coming home, he replies back, yes when she stops wandering. I told him make her stop, with her behavior lately she didn’t even deserve to go there in the first damn place and I want to make and eat dinner sometime this century. So they finally got home while I’m already starting on dinner, and she is pissed off at me. He thought she wanted to buy something at Target, her “reasoning” for going was because she wanted to walk around and get exercise because we made notice of how much weight she has gained because of the lithium she is on and the fact that she eats nothing but garbage and is THE SINGLE LAZIEST FUCKING PERSON ON THE PLANET and does nothing but sit on her ass all the time and throws a fit if you make her do anything else. First of all 7pm on a weeknight is not the time to decide you want to go walk around somewhere for exercise…second Target is not somewhere you go for exercise, you go to the mall and do laps around the perimeter speed walking….leisurely walking around Target looking at shit you WANT is not fucking exercise. So because I made them come home and said she didn’t deserve to go there because of her behavior, she is ignoring me, being pissy and sat herself on the floor on the other side of Jason in the recliner instead of coming and sitting on the couch BY ME…I have really had about enough of this feel sorry for myself pissy bullshit attitude of her’s.

Also, now she is making her homework take WAY FUCKING LONGER than it needs to and I’m ready for bed and don’t get to have Sexy Time with my husband after all…she is doing it ALL ON PURPOSE! I know how she works…and she is the most manipulative self centered little brat I have ever met…she isn’t working on any of her shit…we keep shelling out money to a psychiatrist she isn’t working with on her issues, and she refuses to tell the psych nurse that lithium isn’t working…and she refuses to a god damned thing different. Nothing has changed, since before she went to Trillium, or even since Keyton left…NOT ONE GOD DAMNED THING!

I’m pissed off and going to bed.

The shit hath hiteth the fan…eth

This is Bailey! She is our friend’s black lab, she is 9 years old and sooooo sweet! We are dog-sitting for the week. I told them last time, that I was keeping her, she is such a baby doll! lol
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I think my hubby and I have the same thing…we are both sick and feel like “hot garbage” as he puts it. My throat is scratchy, and I’m a little achey. He is feeling even worse than me though. Hopefully I don’t get worse…

Work was actually, surprisingly, not so bad today. Only a few late routes and one issue that a driver called about. That is unusual for the way the past month and a half have been. With the stupid weather, snow and ice and the holidays and then the new bids going into effect. So it was a nice reprieve.

Chyann turned in an “essay” to her teacher on connections, and it’s a joke…she didn’t write paragraphs, she spaced down for every sentence, she center aligned it. She didn’t fix any of the things her teacher marked from the first draft. It was supposed to be MLA format…I see “Chyann format”…she did it the way she wanted and didn’t give a shit. She didn’t bother to ask for help…OMG, Jason is correcting it right now. And she is giving her same pissy attitude she always gives because we are telling her she was wrong. I made her shut the damn TV off. I am so sick of being talked to the way she talks to us. If I had talked to my mother that way I would have been popped in the mouth. In fact on more than one occasion that did happen. She has no respect for anyone. I am so sick of her bullshit. She is angry at her biological mother and translates to being a horrid person to everyone all the time.

I know what it’s like to be abandoned by a parent, but I never acted anything like her because of the anger I grew up with towards my father. I wasn’t disrespectful to my parents, I didn’t treat people like they were stupid or their feelings didn’t matter…she does. She doesn’t really care about anyone, she just sucks up and says her “I love you mommy” or “I love you daddy” when she thinks it will get her something. She is a manipulative, angry, self absorbed little bitch! I know she has problems, but OMG, she is not willing to work on them. She doesn’t really think she needs help or that there is anything wrong with the way she behaves. She’s right, we’re wrong, she knows everything, we are stupid. And yes, I know some of that is typical teenage attitude, but mixed with all her other bullshit, it gets old really fucking fast!

I am so over dealing with her. She doesn’t care about me or my feelings, she treats me like I’m trash, but she expects me to kiss the fucking ground she walks on…not fucking happening, I’m done playing nice.

God, I am in a bad fucking mood now.

I don’t know how I’m as fucking “balanced” as I am with all the crap my family put me through, all the shit that happened outside my family, growing up with the kind of mother I did, growing up without a father, high school shit, ex boyfriend shit, and now her shit for the past three years, and that compounded with Keyton and his baggage, Jason and I fighting all the time because of the stress we’re both under with all this shit and our jobs. He and I both feel like the other doesn’t care…I said not so long ago I feel like she and he would be just as happy if I wasn’t around. I don’t know about him, but I am firm in that opinion of Chyann, she would be happier with just her dad, no me and no Keyton. She makes that clear in the way she treats me and talks to me.

She doesn’t want to get better, she doesn’t care about doing good in school…she is acting like this connections academy isn’t really shool and it doesn’t count…I’m sorry but yes, she is getting graded. It’s just as real as going to an actual school.

Seriously though, it’s bullshit and I’m sick of being screamed at by my teenage daughter…tired of being treated like shit, lied to, tricked, manipulated to see what she wants us to see instead of what it really going on(ie her sneaking out on a regular basis)…it’s all fucking total bullshit…I’m so sick of it, I am pissed and right now this is my feeling toward her…
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She can’t handle anything not going right or her way, she gets pissed off and storms around stomping her feet. It’s like she is throwing a 2 year old tantrum. She’s 15…you get how terrible this is? She turns mole hills into mountains. She literally broke down into tears over a pencil breaking while she was drawing the other day. She dropped her lipgloss on the carpet at Trillium when she was still there, (mind you I spent 5 bucks buying her a Stitch Tsum Tsum lip smacker) and she was ready to throw it away. She had it for about 45 minutes at this point…it was the end of the fucking world…complete and total mental breakdown over dropping lipgloss which could be washed or rinsed off. Seriously?

Its all this shit, her attitude, her mouth, her behavior, the way she treats us(Jason and Me as well as Keyton). She makes it clear she hates Keyton. She said outloud, “He’s not family.” she is mean to him. Yes he is awnry and naughty towards her, but he is 6, she is 15, she knows better. If he’s not family, then neither am I. And I’m just about at my breaking point with her. I really need to talk to him about this.

I have to go get Keyton in bed…

Not amused in the slightest…

So…I did completely lose my story. I am so upset about that. I will have to start from scratch. It’s so frustrating, but I guess that’s just something writers have to deal with. I need to find someway to back files up, so if a computer crashes, I don’t lose my work again.

I was able to find a good chunk of music I had just by DLing iTunes again.

We went to the library today and I got a card for myself. Lived in Salem 3 years now and I just now got a library card…how sad is that? lol I got 5 CDs which I am currently importing into iTunes. So I can keep them…lol I also got 3 books, Miss Peregrine’s the first book of the series, and the first two in the True Blood series. ❤ I'm excited.

OMG, and I just found out via iTunes that AFI(A Fire Inside) one of my fave bands released a brand new album on Friday which I had not head about…ugh, I need it!!! lol I love Davey Havoc!!! I just previewed the new album, and OMG, it's like a throw back to my favorite AFI album, Sing The Sorrow! I am sooooo excited!!!

I do not want to go back to work tomorrow. I am not ready for another clusterfuck week. UGH. And Kevin gave me another hint that Kurtis is planning to change my schedule *soon*. lol He doesn't know how to keep secrets very well…lol I was a little iffy when I met Kevin at first, but I actually like him a lot. Of course, no one is Jess, but he's a nice guy just the same. I will always love my Jess and I still miss him terribly. We had fun together! We do text each other still and talk on the phone every so often.

I have been terribly light headed since about 5pm, so I guess I'm gonna go lay down and start reading one of my new books. I think I'll start with True Blood.

Goodnight.

P.S. We are dog sitting, our friend's black lab, Bailey. She is so big and sweet and cuddly! Makes me want a big dog. First time we watched her I told her daddy I was keeping her. lol